It was too soon to see them, but I saw the pink and blue lines anyway. I’d later discover it was the first gift of many. But at the time, instead of celebrating what God’s capable of, all I wanted to do was guard what He’s already given me. So I held tightly to my family and shared the news only with those experienced at guarding my wounded heart before.
Time passed and the list of possible complications shortened. Still I held my breath, for I’d been there before. And now… instead of my heart aching for the inevitable happening, it burns with regret because I didn’t give Him glory when glory was due.
Friends, just before Christmas I labored love from my womb. I heard the doctor say “It’s a boy — what’s his name?” and my husband and I have been celebrating this gift ever since. Praising God in humbled reverence because we know we don’t deserve this perfect child of His.
And then, over these last few months, I’ve noticed that pain I’d mentioned –the one I’d grown used to– has been transformed. I no longer ache in emptiness — I throb in fullness. And friends, I want to be clear about this: it’s not for the reason you would think.
It’s not because He gifted me with another healthy child. No.
I’d like to think I would have come to this realization regardless, but ashamedly I’m not so sure…
Let me try to explain.
They say a mother instantly forgets the pain of labor once the baby is cradled in her arms. I’m not sure it’s instant, but something does happen when
the child your child is first given to you (in labor or adoption –motherhood knows no difference). Love only HE is capable of giving pours down so much so that you’ve got to let go of something before you can take your next breath.
Most mothers trust their instincts and let go of the painful journey of getting there so they can cling to this new love. A love gifted directly from The Father.
I firmly believe a mother simply chooses to forget.
And that’s where I went wrong. I chose to forget the wrong thing.
- I remembered the pain, clinging to it as if that’s all I had left, and forgot how He carried me through.
- I focused on the hurt and not on how He tended to my wound.
- After I’d lost another, I determined this was my lot and decided then to make sure no one or nothing would ever hurt my heart again. I even justified it (wrote about it some HERE), thinking that is what God was suggesting I do: Guard my heart.
When I look back now, I see where I went wrong.
(and it was the shock of a healthy baby boy that made me take a second look)
Is it just me or do we all often forget that God is love? God IS…Love.
So when He promises that Love always protects…wouldn’t that mean God will always guard my heart for me?
It seems I was guarding my heart the wrong way…and as a result, I was stopping Him from fulfilling His promises to me.
Friends, I wasn’t guarding my heart at all, I was hardening my hurt. I hardened my vulnerability. And we all know, He works best with soft, moldable clay…or even dust. Instead, I built walls, which ultimately stifled Him out of emitting any light the doors and windows gave way.
Please know, while I understand the need to ensure the enemy holds no grip on me, apart from that, I’m starting to believe I should leave my heart open wide so that He can shine through me.
You see, this heart I have, it’s not mine anyway… No. I gave it to Jesus a long time ago.
Maybe where I went wrong was simply with the idea that I needed to guard my heart from pain. When really, all I needed to do was to guard my heart from anyone else ruling this sacred space that belongs to Him. Including myself.
And I trust He’ll never leave me nor forsake me. So what can man do to me, anyway?
I may get pressed, but won’t become crushed.
I may feel alone, but will never be abandoned.
I may be struck down, but won’t be destroyed.
So no more.
- No more living in fear of what I may have to walk through. He’s proven He can handle it and will carry me when I can no longer stand.
- No more staying quiet when joy comes easy, assuming the worse is yet to come. He deserves all the glory I can muster every minute of every day.
- No more lingering on things that didn’t go my way. For His way has proven to be good. All the time.
- It’s settled then. No more guarding my heart in all the wrong ways.
From now on, I’ll allow Him to stand guard and take permanent residence in all my vulnerability. For glory is found in the pliable.
I’ll simply guard His promises tucked safely in the space He protects: my heart.
And find comfort in knowing His love…God never fails.
Friends, once I accepted this truth, I felt complete. Throbbing in fullness for His love for me. Do you?
How about you, friends? How do you guard your heart while staying vulnerable to His shaping? I’d love to hear.
And I’m not even close to done telling this story. Next, I plan on sharing how I discovered I was being distracted by fear. And then how I realized I wasn’t focusing on the Healer. I hope you’ll join me.
Thanks for sharing your time with me.