We met over virtual nutella cupcakes one very late Thursday eve. It was during a Five Minute Friday (#FMFPARTY) Twitter party and there was an instant bond as I felt her heart seeking His.
We’ve been shedding and sharing our hearts together ever since. And I’m so honored to have her here, sharing with you.
Friends, will you please give Tonya a warm welcome?
Tonya, this space is yours:
I am not sure when I first started to believe it. When I started to allow the lies to shadow who God had created me to be. I am not sure when I determined that the only offering He ever requested – me – was not good enough.
How could He want me? I was busted and broken. Wounds open, festering and smelling. Community had just stabbed at my dreams and the bleeding out was critical. This messy heap, this is not the sort of gift you give to your Creator. This is not what He would want. These shattered pieces would be better swept up and tossed away.
And a long-time faith walk of joyous hallelujahs transformed into a deafening silence as day after day I tried to fix what only God could – my broken heart. Joy was silenced by my inability to bring my very heart to Him – the messy, chaotic way it was.
“Beautiful the mess we are…” – Amy Grant
And when I first heard this song I was standing in a merchandise tent at a Christian music festival, the demo earphones covering my ears and tears streaming down my face.
My mess is beautiful?
That was a beginning, albeit a shaky one. One that knew more steps backwards than it did forwards – but it was a beginning.
My hoarse and desperate cry – Better than a hallelujah.
My ugly sin stained heart – Better than a hallelujah.
My self-doubt and fears – Better than a hallelujah.
My life, the messy bits too – Better than a hallelujah.
As we give over to the anguish that is our soul, God is listening. His ear is pressed close to our hearts and He is listening to all of that pain and desperate and fear. His ear is pressed close because He wants to hear our song. The one that keeps us moving closer to Him, the one that has us bending knees and beating chests – it’s our song and He wants to hear it – a melody of surrender.
“We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody.
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a hallelujah” – Amy Grant
Subscribers, CLICK HERE To listen in to the song below:
You may read the lyrics HERE.
Tonya is the wife of 21 years to one good man and the mother to Mikayla (19) and Dylan (16). She is learning that even though her and husband are entering their “empty nest” years the beautiful task of mothering is never-ending. She is grateful that the grace of the Cross covers all of the things that she may have left undone as she prepares her children for the big wide world. Tonya writes over at Stone to Heart in hopes of having others recognize the beauty of their own story despite life’s circumstances.
How about you, friend? Have you surrendered your beautiful mess? Have you sung your melody of surrender lately? What does your song sound like? We’d love to hear.
Thanks for sharing your time with us.
Nikki (and Tonya)