Exposed — A Self Reflection {Let Him Look}

The cover crinkles as I try to use every square inch to my advantage. Instinctively, I grab hold as I see the doorknob turn; my cheeks flush just thinking about the breeze giving it flight. She greets me with a smile and holds out her hand for mine. And I wonder if she knows it takes all I have in me to return the generosity.

Right away she rises concern over my blood pressure. My eyes focus on the curling wallpaper seam as I make my own diagnosis — it really is hot in here… I confess to her it’s only because I’m nervous. I’ve never seen this woman before and now I’m going to show her all of me and trust my precious cargo to her care.

Her smile would be contagious, if one would allow themselves to look at it head on. She touches my knee gently as she whispers “It’s okay, dear. I’ve seen it all before. You won’t have anything that will surprise me.”

I meet her gaze as I barely whisper “You may have seen it before, but you’ve never seen me…”

~~~~~~~~~~

Fast forward to last year and you’d find me in a similar position. Face down. Focused on the curling the heat was bringing. Confessing my nerves as I stood before Him…fully exposed.

“Trust me when I say you’ve not got anything He hasn’t seen before. Stand in this fire, let Him purify you–this is how He loves us. This is the process of sanctification.”
~ Kris Camealy, Holey, Wholly, Holy

Friends, God saw things in me I didn’t believe were there until He showed me a mirror. I looked at my reflection and didn’t even recognize myself. For I saw pride. greed. resentment. distrust. No. This wasn’t the Nikki I presented to the world. Surely, this wasn’t really happening. For how could He even look at me? Why would He bother trying to save me?

What was I worth to Him when I looked like…sin?

“His desire is for us to be complete. He longs to restore us, to strengthen us for the call He places on our lives…Though He accepts us as we are, He has even better for us. He loves us too much to leave us in our mess.”
~ Kris Camealy, Holey, Wholly, Holy

I fell down and beat myself up over allowing myself to get that low. To be that bad. To look that ugly in light of His redemption. Let me tell you, I can throw a mean pity party.

Friends, I realize now most of the pain I felt was self-inflicted. And my, did it ever hurt.

“Yet, here, in this painful, holey place — this is where the healing begins. The renewal comes through the wringing out of the soul, through the pulling and dragging out of the ugly — through the sacrifice.”
~ Kris Camealy, Holey, Wholly, Holy

But I had to. I needed to see my unworthiness. I had to look at my sin-soaked self and truly grasp how far love came down to save me. Because only then could I live out these verses:

God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him. It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”
I Corinthians 1:28-31

And let me tell you: All I have. All that is good within me and all I hope to be comes from Him. It’s all because of God. And the only reason I can claim it for my own is because Christ paid for it and then gave it to me as a gift.

All I am is dust. But that medium is one of my Master Creator’s specialties.

There’s no telling what He can make out of me.

This year, I’m going to stand the heat again–only longer. I’m going to let Him look…really see me as I lift my hands and say

“Do Your best, Father. And please, let me see the work You do in me so I can share how amazing You truly are…”

“‘Suddenly They Saw Him the Way He Was’
The way He really was all the time,
although they had never seen it before,
the glory which blinds the everyday eye
and so becomes invisible.
This is how He was, radiant, brilliant,
carrying joy like a flaming sun in His hands.
This is the way He was–is–from the beginning,
and we cannot bear it.
So He manned Himself, came manifest to us;
and there on the mountain they saw Him,
really saw Him, saw His light.
We all know if we really see Him we die.
But isn’t that what is required of us?
Then perhaps we will see each other, too.”
Madeleine L’Engle, The Ordering of Love

How about you, friend? Have you let God look at you lately? Has He shown you the work He plans on doing with you? I’d love to hear.

NOTE: This is a part of my Lenten series based on my experience through Lent last year and my reading Holey, Wholly, Holy by Kris Camealy this year. You may check out the entire series HERE. I’ll be back next Wednesday. If you’d like to prepare, please read through “The Crushing Place” of THIS BOOK as we will talk about confessions. ::GULP:: If you have not gotten this book yet, please do! Kris is giving away FREE PDF COPIES HERE for a limited time! Or you may purchase a kindle or hard copy (highly recommend) HERE.

Thanks for sharing your time with me.

Simply striving,

Nikki

NOTE: If you have time, I’m sharing some thoughts over at Soul Stops today about a familiar passage that has become personal to me in a post titled: We All Have Nets. Would love to share my heart with you there, too! CLICK HERE to read.