What I Know to be True

I’ve been staring at this empty screen for nearly an hour. Frustrated for not being able to transfer my thoughts into keystrokes. One might think I have nothing to say, but I know that’s not true. No, I have too much to spill and too little space. And I’m struggling with finding the balance of what to share and what to leave behind.

Madeline L’Engle said sometimes when we have to speak suddenly, we come closer to the truth than when we have time to think. Time to write it out.

Everything about that frightens me as I generally become speechless in person. And deep down I wonder if that means I struggle with what I know as truth.

Friends, in the last week I’ve been knocked down, stripped bare, left with wounds gaping. And as I look at myself in this most raw, impressionable state, I can’t hide it: The Truth.

She met me at my most vulnerable. Completely clueless as to why I was placed in her charge. As she probed in the most tactful way she could muster, I couldn’t help but smile. Yes, that’s me. Always trying to make another comfortable. But my voice gave truth away. It shook and threatened to give out on me as I explained politely why I was there. She wrapped her hand around mine as she searched for words of comfort. And came up with what most do: “I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you, but don’t be sorry,” I assured her with a level voice that surprised even me. “Sorry implies regret and I have none. Yes, this hurts, but it doesn’t define me.”

We both held each other as we let those words sink in. Me needing them more than she. Words of truth I didn’t realize were within.

And bravery started creeping in because maybe I see more truth than I realize.

I’ve been asking myself what I’ve seen through this mask of pain. And friends, as I picture you within reach, speaking to your compassionate eyes, this is what I can tell you:

Truth is, I’m a mess. A big puddle of failure if we focus on what I can do alone. I’m indecisive albeit easy-going. Only driven when I’m feeling challenged. Nothing about me stands out in a crowd.

I hide well behind politeness but inside I’m a dirty, rotten sinner.  Begging desperately for redemption. Clinging to the hope of amazing grace.

Truth is, I’ve found it: Grace. It was offered to me in a plain wrapped package. Like it could have been gifted to anyone. I couldn’t see my name on it until I got close enough and accepted it as my own. I’ve tested it. Sometimes without realizing it. And it’s true: The mercy of grace is new every morning.

Truth is, I can’t live without Him. To call Him my Savior seems like an understatement. For He has done more than save me. He’s redeemed me. Claimed me for His own. Made me feel like I’m His everything. He’s all that’s beautiful within me. And I’m head over heels in love.

Truth is, nothing can take that away. No amount of pain or sorrow can steal what He’s offered me. Reminding me how hopeless I am without Him can’t change the fact I have hope with Him.

Truth is, the enemy has his work cut out for him if he thinks I’ll walk away from this scandalous love affair I’ve wrapped myself in. No. I’m not that easy.

Friends, in the last week I’ve been knocked down, stripped bare, left with wounds gaping. And as I look at myself in this most raw, impressionable state, I can’t hide it: The Truth.

I’m a child of The King.
My name’s been written in Glory.
And I’m well on my way Home.
I hope to see you there.

How about you, friend? What do you know to be true? I’d love to hear.

Thanks for sharing your time with me.

Simply striving,

Nikki

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68 thoughts on “What I Know to be True

  1. Love you, Nikki. Thank you for sharing your heart. It is brave, beautiful, and inspiring. What I know is true? He is good, loving, and faithful–all the time!

  2. Your faith shines so bright, it lights the way for me to see in the darkness. Thanks for sharing your heart, for being so real, so raw. That’s where we all find healing. Like Eustice having the dragon skin peeled from him, layer by layer, to get to the real him. Thank you for sharing the layers and what God is doing through them. Blessings!

  3. Ah, this is beautiful, truly. I have been struggling this week with truth…I am not a conservative Christian. I have read the words and I have prayed about it and I go back to believing God wants me to be open to EVERYONE, that we have a responsibility to love each other no matter what. I was feeling like I should either stop blogging or just completely abandon this community…and then I was in Hobby Lobby (of all places) and I saw this pumpkin that reminded me to count my blessings and it suddenly dawned on me that “there is room for everyone at this table”.

    • You are so wise beyond your years, Theresa. I think you’re right. All God wants from us is love. To extend to others what He offers freely in abundance.
      And I love how God speaks to us! The pumpkin…of all things of all places. I love it.
      For what it’s worth, Theresa, I’m always honored to pull up a chair at your table. I see Him through you. Oh what God can do through you….

      Thanks for visiting with me today!

    • Thank you, Stacy. I’m so thankful you stopped by to read my heart. I appreciate you!
      (and for the record, your URL is welcome here any time. I’d be honored to have someone find you through this space here! So I added it….) 🙂

      All for Him with hugs to you,
      Nikki

  4. Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.”

    Truth is that He loves me (and you) regardless of my sin and that is SO comforting! I am so glad that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me (and you) ALL THE TIME!

    I’m continuing to pray for you!

    • You know me so well, Laurie. And we’ve never met…still I can’t get over how well you read my heart. That was the verse that was on my mind while typing this out. and I’m so thrilled you put the exclamation point on the post by sharing it here! Thank you!!

      All the time….my most favorite promise.
      Thanks for your prayers! So blessed by you.

  5. Love you, Nikki. You are testifying that He turns our “wailing into dancing.” Yes, it is by His power and tender mercy, but you have to be willing to receive it. You are so courageous to hold His hand tight and tell the world about Who your Father is. Thank you.

    • Love you, too, Tobi. And some days, that’s all that’s left: love. It’s the greatest of these after all…
      So blessed by you (thank you for sharing my heart with others).
      I can’t think of a greater legacy…at the end of the day, I want to be able to say I clung on tight….
      Love and hugs to you!

  6. Nikki you are so brave and honest here. Who else but the Lord could accomplish so much in and through us? I am confident He is holding your hand. I am equally confident He will carry you when you need Him to and will provide shelter under His mighty wings when you need a safe place to hide. Keep your mind fixed on Him and He will keep you in PERFECT peace. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

    • You touched on every single promise I’m clinging to, Diana. Thank you. for your love, hugs, guidance, encouragement, for being a light to me. So blessed by you! (and praying for your mom today) HUGS

  7. I am praying for you my friend. God is with you in the pain. He will bring you through. Thank you for your courage to share your heart wide open with us, raw and vulnerable.

  8. I’m brokenhearted for you and lifting you up. When we can understand His ways, we can trust His character. And He is good and worthy to be praised.

    Hugs stretching up from VA.

  9. Dear sweet Sister! Again I am giving you the biggest {{{HUG}}} EVER! We are there with you in this pain. Praying and lifting you up to the One who knows you better than anyone. And knows what you need the most right now!

  10. Knowing right where you are – God Is – and where God Is -all is well! Celebrating the Presence, Power and Wisdom that is with you each moment of this day! Feeling His Divine love strengthening you. Sending mine.

  11. In the hard times especially, we have to grasp on to truth, because Satan wants so badly to get us to believe his lies. I said a prayer for you as I read your post. I don’t like hard things, but I find when things get rough in my life I cling more tightly to Him.

    Stopping by from New Life Steward.

    • So thrilled you stopped by, Deborah. And thank you so much for confirming what I know deep down. Striving to ignore the lies and cling to Him right under His wing…where He’s invited me to rest. Thank you for praying for me!

  12. A beautiful battle wages in these words, Nikki.
    And that mercy that is new every morning?
    Oh, I feel that one, too. Especially because I’m no stranger to waking up on the wrong side of fear.
    I just love how spilling the heart reveals that our wounds point us to our Healer.

    • So thrilled you stopped by, Kelli, so I remembered to read your heart. I mean it truly, you captivate me every time…
      It really has been a battle lately. And I’m starting to realize it’s not the kind of battle I thought it would be. One day I’ll learn how to deny myself so I have room to pick up my cross fully…I’m striving.
      Hugs to you!

  13. I love this line, “I couldn’t see my name on it until I got close enough and accepted it as my own.” I’ve not thought about God’s grace in that way, but it’s so true. Thanks so much for fleshing out your feelings for all of us to see and learn from, Nikki. Keep processing and giving us a peek. We need to learn these truths together!

  14. Wow, you are stunning here, proclaiming who you are, the glory of Him in you. Yes, I am with you, so aware of who I am without Him, and standing gratefully, on the rock, saying ‘yes’ to the truth He has put within me — like you — to share: we are adored; we are chosen; we are perfectly made; we are His. Oh, girl, we are His. And oh, how He keep holding us up. Praying for you — just so grateful for how He so beautifully holds your heart, through all things. Love you.

    • Humbled to have you stop by and read my raw heart, Jennifer. It all boils down to us being His, doesn’t it. At least, that’s what I’m striving for. For what else is there, really…what else do we need. I’m learning there’s nothing sweeter and will cling to Him through this storm. Right under His wing. Thank you, dear friend, for praying me through it. Love and hugs to you!

    • Thank you, friend. Must admit I’m struggling with putting to words how I’m feeling lately, but you read my heart so well. So blessed by you. Thank you for praying me through this, Stefanie. Thank you.

  15. Dear Nikki, I so appreciated you visiting me I couldn’t help but come get to know you too! I love your honest heart… it’s part of the image of our great God. I don’t know what you’re standing through right now but consider this a prayer headed your way from Maine sister. In all things we know the truth, we’re loved regardless. ~ Blessings out, Amy

    • what a highlight to my day, Amy, meeting you! Thrilled we connected through a simple tweet : ) Love how we can intertwine here for His glory. So blessed to have your Maine-sized prayers and blessings. Thank you! Let’s visit again soon!

  16. Sweet friend – crying! You bless me so and always. Love your sweet heart and soul even when you are hurting. I still wish I could hug you. The only thing I have come to know for certain is God’s truth and His love. Everything else in this big old crazy world changes for one reason or another. I love His constant consistency. Love you friend.

  17. Nikki, I don’t know what you’re going through, but the pain sounds awfully familiar to me.

    Those truths you’ve laid out so beautifully…the truths of who you are, who God is, and to whom you belong…

    Those are the truths I have clung to through many storms. And He has always been faithful!

    Praying for you, my friend!

    • Thank you for your prayers, Joe! We’re His…He’s got this. That’s really the only truth I need, don’t you think?
      I’m clinging tight and you’re right. He’s been so faithful. Appreciate your prayers. thank you!

    • He never promised easy, did He. In fact, I remember Him warning us we’d have trouble…but take heart…He’s overcome. Yes–I’ll cling to that. To Him…thank you for stopping by, Brandee!

  18. It’s all too tempting to allow the mask of pain to blur our vision rather than sharpen it. I’ve been blessed to read these Truths today. I’m so glad I clicked over here; praying that you continue to see clearly.

    • Thank you so much, Suzanne. I’m thrilled you stopped by (although I’m late in sharing it with you–sorry!)
      God is good all the time, and I’m digging my heels deep into that promise.
      All for Him with hugs to you,
      Nikki

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