What’s Not to Love

There I was, alone in the black of night. The fan across the room whirring around in a mesmerizing rhythm. A glimmer of light peeking through a crack in the blind, casting a single shadow on the wall next to me. I had turned the lights off. It seemed easier, not being able to actually see me this vulnerable, as I was taking my walls down one-by-one.

I breathe in deep and find myself exhaling to the rhythm of the fan. Slow, steady, quiet. Maybe with the next breath I will build up enough confidence to ask my one question. And finally it comes:

Father — Why do you love me?
What do you see in me?

It wasn’t until my lips curled around the real question that I realized it was more than one. But both needed to be asked for both were burning inside me, aching to know. And now I wait, still breathing in time with the fan. Doubt tries to find its way to me, following the glow of the street light. Ashamedness quickly follows.

Not tonight. The walls are staying down. This is something I must do. I must listen.

And I will never know if the voice I heard was my imagination or the real deal. It doesn’t even matter for in my heart, I know God found a way to speak to me. So softly I almost missed it at first. But the more I lingered on the moment, the more it became clear. Three questions He asked of me:

Why do you love Me?
What do you see in Me?
My child — why do you not love yourself?

Emotions come crashing down like a tidal wave. My breath taken out to sea. I instinctively reach out, trying to grasp at something. Anything. Where or where are my walls when I need them.

No. Not tonight. This is something I must do. I must think. I must answer Him. I have to know...

~~~~~~~~~~

I’m not sure how long I sat there that night. The years between then and now have softened my memory some. But I will never forget the way He gently guided me to answering the questions I should have been asking all along.

Friends, it was true. I didn’t love myself. I didn’t hate myself, either, but that’s not what He asked me.

And I wasn’t able to quickly answer why I loved my Redeemer. It seems like such an easy question to answer and yet, I couldn’t find the words. Truth was, I had never asked myself that question so point-blank before. Maybe if you were blessed to grow up in a Christian home like I was, you can admit the same thing. Even if you didn’t, maybe you can relate.

I found myself stammering for words. Excuses started pouring from my thoughts and I found myself uttering the rhetorical question that put me in checkmate.

“Well…what’s not to love?!?”

Silence followed. Long enough for me to realize I couldn’t hear the fan anymore. I sat up, more alert, trying to find my bearings once again. Then I heard it. Just one word. One word that answered every question posed that night.

Exactly.

~~~~~~~~~~

Even now, when I hear that one word, I often think of Him. I think of the one night that opened my eyes to the life I had been missing. The life of love only found in Him.

And even now it still amazes me that it’s there. Love like that. Freely offered to anyone willing to ask for it.

Oh how He loves us. 

I’ve grown much since that dark night of clarity. And I’ve spent every day since answering His three questions. Trying to grasp why I love Him so much. Counting the ways. Trying to fathom Him and all that He is. Attempting to truly see. Trying to accept that I can love myself, for He is a part of me. He is the reason I live and breathe. Without Him, that last question will go unanswered. For I have nothing worth loving apart from Him. And with Him, I have everything.

Yes. Exactly. What’s not to love.

How about you? Why do you love Him? Do you love yourself? I’d love to hear. 

Thanks for sharing your time with me.

Simply striving,

Nikki

Am linking this post to:

Advertisements

27 thoughts on “What’s Not to Love

  1. Love these posts and that line from Run Away Bride gets me every time. I love my eggs over-easy. That’s an easy answer, but when I try to answer other things it gets so . . . complicated. I’m learning to see myself as God sees me, which means not comparing myself to others. And the more I dig in to the Truth to know me better the more I fall in love with God. Beautiful post – blessings.

    • Thank you so much for stopping by, Alene! Complicated is right! I sometimes struggle with knowing that God doesn’t show favoratism, yet we’re all made unique. We’re all beautiful to Him in our own way, so there’s no reason to compare. Oh, but that’s how we are taught to monitor our success. It’s a vicious cycle. . . and now I’m rambling! But I’m so thrilled you get it — the more we get to know ourselves, the more we fall in love with Him. Over and over again. Thank you!

  2. I love Him because He is so gentle with me when I rebel and yet so strong to carry me when I feel like I can’t go on–even if it’s “because” I rebelled. Thanks for such a thought-provoking post, Nikki!

  3. it is often hard to see as his eyes see us when ours easily pick out all the flaws and see only that which we find or have been sold as unattractive…the more we fall in love with him the more we see with his eyes…

    • Thank you, Brian. So true. I’m finding the more I get to know myself and what He’s equipped me with, the more I fall in love with Him, too. Now, if only I could say it as well as you. **smile**

  4. It took me years to realize that the Lord made me in HIS IMAGE – That it was vain or conceited to love myself because he created me to be like Him – there’s such a difference between godly acceptance and worldly vanity… He’s my all in all 🙂

  5. Why do I love him? I don’t often strive to put that into words. I just know that He’s my all. He’s my foundation and my breath and my life. Why does he love ME? Because when He looks at me, He sees Christ. Plain and simple. The blood sacrifice of His beloved covers my ugliness completely.

    Oh, but I have so much to learn. To move from my head knowledge to my heart belief.

    Thank you for being open. You’re such an encouragement!

  6. Pingback: Soul Stops | When a friend sees you

  7. I’ve not pondered that question, “why do I love Him”. But I do know that He saved me. From a life of sin, from myself, from others who were out to ruin and use me. He never turned His back on me, even when I failed (in my eyes). He loves me no matter what. I can’t really fathom that kind of love. Growing up, I didn’t love myself. I think I still have days where I don’t, but I am learning, if I can be honest. I realize now that by not loving myself, I am telling Him that He created something that is worthless, and that could be farther from the truth!

    • You are right, Barbie–that is farthest from the truth! Loving myself is something I’ve learned to strive for in recent years. And it amazes me how much more I can love Him when I succeed. . .
      Thank you so much for sharing with me!

  8. Pingback: The Journey of Discovery « simplystriving

  9. Love the way God speaks to us, his children and how you heard him ask questions. And just today, in my bible study we talked about Jesus on the road to Jerusalem in Luke and how he spoke to people along the way and the first person who approached him, a theologian, asked him a question to test him and Jesus responded back with questions to reveal the truth. I do this in coaching, follow His example by asking questions that lead to transformation. Lovely post!

    • Thank you so much for sharing this with me! I hadn’t thought of that….but yes, He often responds to me with a question. He knows me well (including my stubbornness). Letting me come to the answer on my own usually is most effective…

  10. Pingback: When a friend sees you | Dolly M. Lee @ Soul Stops

I can't wait to hear from you...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s