I’ll Never Forget

It’s a day I will never forget. That would hold true even if the end would have been different. You see, we mothers are that way. When we see our womb-protected child on a black and white screen…we see love in immeasurable magnitudes. It leaves an impression on our heart so strong it singes the image in our mind. Forever kept as a keepsake. A reminder of how God loves us. How He blessed us with the opportunity to carry one of His own.

It’s a day I will never forget. And for some reasons, it’s because the ending was different. You see, we mothers are that way. Our senses kick into high gear as we take on the responsibility of caring for one of God’s beloved. And I was anxiously awaiting that task. Please, son, I want you to know this. I was ready to protect you at all costs.

A part of me hopes it’s a day she will forget. The poor woman who punched the clock to do her normally exciting job. Completely unaware of how she would alter our circumstances. She was excited to share in our joy with you. But no matter how she moved that wand, it wasn’t to be a magic one that day. After all, she couldn’t make your heart start beating again.

It’s a day I will never forget. The day the doctor said, “It’s a boy.” The day I proclaimed your name out loud. Held you in my arms for the first time and the last. The day I gave you back to God.

It’s a time I’ll never forget. How I sat down at the ivories like I had done the 7 months we were together. In my heart, I was still playing for you and me. And as I played the hymn over and over, God whispered love into my ear. He spoke to my mother-heart and assured me He’s got it from here.

It’s a day I never forget to look forward to. The day I can hold you in my arms again. The day I can see with my own eyes what my soul already knows. That there you are, flourishing in His courts, praising the One who made you. The One gracious enough to allow me to call you son.

This hymn is one I will never forget. For it helped this “old soul” of mine to heal. As I played the notes written, my heart finally found the rhythm. Its beat in tune with God’s plan.  And though the enemy tries to stop me, I will never forget to proclaim it.

My child, you’re safe in the arms of Jesus. Just where I would have raised you to be. And I’m blessed to be your mama. That I will never forget.

The hymn that helped me through:

Children of the Heavenly Father

(I’m sure your hymnal only gives you four of the verses.
I am sharing all six written by the original author:
Karolina W. Sandell-Berg)

Children of the heav’nly Father
Safely in His bosom gather;
Nestling bird nor star in Heaven
Such a refuge e’er was given.

God His own doth tend and nourish;
In His holy courts they flourish;
From all evil things He spares them;
In His mighty arms He bears them.

Neither life nor death shall ever
From the Lord His children sever;
Unto them His grace He showeth,
And their sorrows all He knoweth.

Though He giveth or He taketh,
God His children ne’er forsaketh;
His the loving purpose solely
To preserve them pure and holy.

Lo, their very hairs He numbers,
And no daily care encumbers
Them that share His ev’ry blessing
And His help in woes distressing.

Praise the Lord in joyful numbers:
Your Protector never slumbers.
At the will of your Defender
Ev’ry foeman must surrender.

Friends, today is my second son’s birthday. I’m sharing this with you today not for you to feel sorry for me. But for you to rejoice with me. That we serve a living God who promises to never forsake our children. Even those we don’t have the pleasure to raise to maturity.

I feel led to share a bit more with you this week about how I found joy in my grieving. In hopes I can encourage another going through a similar situation. I hope it’s not you who needs it, but would love if you’d join me regardless.

Thanks for sharing your time with me.

Simply striving,

Nikki

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30 thoughts on “I’ll Never Forget

  1. Oh, Nikki…I can so relate. It has been almost 20 years since the birth of my daughter. She was on this earth, outside my body for 4 days. She only lived a short while, but oh how many lives she touched and changed. Thank you for sharing your story.

    There is not much going on at my blog right now…I feel so dry and lifeless. Just praying that the Lord will bring words back to me.

    • I remember the post you shared of your daughter, Mary. I cannot even imagine the grieving journey you went through.
      I’m so sorry you feel stagnant right now. Hope you don’t mind if I put you on my prayer list, because I am. May God’s presence fill you up today…
      Hugs to you, friend!
      All for Him,
      Nikki

  2. Good morning Nikki, I can’t imagine the emotional ups and downs nor can I fathom what it requires to find the joy of the Lord in this situation but I’m so encouraged by your strength. It’s been a tough morning with my kids and you’ve given me reason to pause and reflect. Thank you for sharing and encouraging this tired mother to find strength in His presence.

    • Thank you so much for sharing with me, Diana. I’m so sorry you had a tough morning yesterday. Trust today is the complete opposite! May His grace renew your spirit today, friend. The job you’re doing is not easy. I know I can’t do it alone…and am so blessed to know we don’t have to.
      All for Him with hugs to you,
      Nikki

      • Yes, after reading your post yesterday I made some quiet time to be with the Lord yesterday His joy turned into my strength! Thank you. Where would I be without the Lord? Scary thought!

        • Scary thought, indeed! So glad we don’t have to worry about that!
          And am so thrilled you spent time with Him and He filled you up. Brilliant!
          Thanks for sharing with me!

  3. Nikki, you are such a blessing to the body of Christ. Thank you for sharing your journey so openly and honestly. I am sure there will be a heart or two who will be uplifted by your sharing today.

  4. …And the gift of song and the healing of grace-filled words keeps us going, through the loss and the living on. I’ve lost two in miscarriage and I know your words and the healing work done in your heart, here shared with others, will perpetuate grace in the lives of those who share your story.

    • Thank you so much, Alyssa. It hurts my heart to know you have felt this times two. Ah, but grace…what a thing to cling to. As our hearts long to bring Him glory. Hugs to you, friend!

  5. Oh, Nikki, my eyes welled up…your faith and trust in God’s goodness in the midst of your pain is beautiful and so hopeful…Happy birthday to Elijah (if I remember correctly?)…sending you an extra big HUG, dear friend :)

    • Thank you, Brandee. We all have our pains to bare, don’t we. Our own unique stories of redemption. I’m honored to share a bit of mine with you. thanks for stopping by!

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  7. Oh friend, I am a well-spring of emotion. It is beautiful that you have found peace within the grief and loss. I am still wandering through your words, they are so vulnerable, thank you for sharing.

  8. oh my sweet nikki… this wanting to protect, at all costs… and not being able to… oh, friend. what a beautiful gift, this letter to your son, who waits in heaven to feel your arms around him. love to you. xo

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  10. Nikki,

    I have been wanting to write you ever since you wrote this honest, raw, beautiful post, but life has gotten in the way. But I want you to know how deeply your words touched me. Your love for your son inspires me to be a better mother, a better follower of Christ-to be more grateful, more aware, more alive. Your words are so humble and your emotion so honest-thank you for allowing God to reach others through your stories and words. I am so grateful for this space where you teach me to grow in faith!

    I also cannot thank you enough for the way you’ve been supporting and praying for me these past few months. I really feel like my victory-my remission-is the victory of everyone who has been praying me, and of course, the victory of God-of all that is good. I am so happy to share that with you!!

    What a blessing that we’ve been able to connect this way! Thank you for all that you are and all that you share, and please know that even though I don’t always have a chance to comment, your words always mean so much to me and I am so grateful for your sharing!

    Happy Mother’s Day to a beautiful Mama!!

    Love, Allison

    • Oh you made my day, Allison. Thank you so much for taking the time to share with me. Your heart has touched mine and I am honored to pray for you. I must confess, I had your name on my intentional praying for bloggers list, but then realized I would pray for you regardless, so I had better add someone else to that list (push myself out of my comfort zone a tad if you will).

      What a joy this blogging world is when I can be blessed by someone like you states away! May God be glorified.

      Hugs to you! Trust you had a wonderful mother’s day as well!

      All for Him,
      Nikki

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